4/23/2012

• Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
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• If you want to Learn How to Save & Budget Your Money Ask A Republican Or A Drug Dealer!!!
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• Just found out that the girl from the Blind Melon video grew up to be Jonah Hill.
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• statistics show that 97 % of dead people will stop posting statuses.
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• If you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it has really low self esteem and you should exploit that for s@xual favors
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• says I can always tell if someone is a murderer within the first 5 seconds of them stabbing me.
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• Where do you keep your booze? I keep mine in my liver, like normal people.
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• says When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you.
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• So listen, here's the deal; If I wanna hear about god or religion I'll go to church, otherwise I am only here on Facebook to stalk and flirt.
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• says Here is a big shout out for slugs, those little guys are out there doing the same stuff as snails but without helmets...
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• "Jesus loves you." It's so nice to hear that said to oneself in church!! ... "Jesus loves you." A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison!!

Funny Status Updates 12/27/2011

I fucking hate double standards... If a girl sleeps with a load of different men, she's a slut. But when a guy does it he's a homosexual?

MmmmMmmm....yummy, Christmas leftovers...... Beer!

I'm not saying you're easy, but when I look up something to do in your town it gives me your address.

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity.

I think my wife is practicing to become a Impressionist. One day I came home and I could hear her in our room doing an impression of our neighbor. Not sure why she chose the phrase "Where should I hide?", but it was good none the less.

On Jan 1st I'll be opening a place called Resolutions. For the first 2 weeks it will be a gym and for the other 50 it will be a bar.

Twisted Monday Thought

Doesn't Oscar from Sesame Street look like a talking bud of weed?

Due to the declining economy and the flooded seashell market, Sally now sells sodomy on a side street in Savannah.

My girlfriend said "let's just do some spooning tonight". Although it sounded kinda' weird to me, I didn't want to disappoint her so I brought a ice cream scooper into bed.....I'll let you know how this played out.

This New Year's Eve, I'm going to frantically masturbate at 11.55pm, and then when I cum at 12 I can pretend that all the cheering and fireworks are for me.

My probation officer just called to see if I wanted to go party with her on New Years Eve.......I smell a trap

christmas was best when I used to believe in Santa Clause.. I wanna be 22 again


You are a buzz kill! ~ my girlfriend's response to me when she found out that I stole the batteries out of her vibrator, and put them in my X-BOX controller.


He knows when you are sleeping, He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good… Sounds like Santa’s got a Facebook account.


I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.


Rhinos are just fat unicorns.


I turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.


Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to 'unstable'


When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think 'you dirty bastard'.


The fact that my apartment is clean, laundry is done and I am running ahead of schedule for work this morning says.....I might actually be starting to get this whole "functional alcoholic" thing down.....


I'm only "Pee In The Yard While The Neighbors Can See" drunk right now... I'm aiming for "Get On 'COPS' And Not Have My Face Blurred Because I Was So Fucked Up I Signed The Release" drunk before the night is through.


My wife is seeing a psychiatrist.. and a plumber.. and my neighbor


It was pretty irresponsible to put a little girl in charge of a bunch of sheep. They should have started Little Bo Peep with something easier like a hamster.


eHarmony: Desperately seeking a woman that can open a tube of K-Y with her toes


My friends and I created a new game kind of like punch bug except when we see a smart car we run it off the road, pull the driver out and punch him...


I'm not saying you're a slut, but I think I saw your vagina on groupon.


My boss sends out emails from his desktop computer to our owners about what a valuable employee I am while he is out to lunch.


wow that is the most ridiculous fucked up idea ever, be there in 10 min


I met a girl with a shaved head today. "So does the carpet match the drapes?" I snickered. I was promptly escorted out of the cancer ward by hospital security. :(


The other day, I saw the headline: 'Woman beats off rapist' and I thought... "That seems like a reasonable compromise."


When hanging out with me, we should always drop off a car at the police station before going out so we can drive home in the morning.


Had the weirdest sex dream last night. When I woke up, the cat was at the foot of the bed, purring, nudging a sandwich toward me.


Somebody called me a racist today! I mean I think they did, it's so hard to hear through these white hoods.


I was so drunk last night when I got to the bottom of the stairs I took off my shoes, coat, top, pants and bra slowly as I could. I crept upstairs very quietly, it was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on the f*cking bus!


It's annoying that I don't understand all these Call of Duty or Lord of the Rings jokes. 
Then I remember, I've had sex.


When life gives you lemons, make a milkshake. They'll never see it coming.

Funny Status Updates 11/26/2011

Had my annual check up this past week....conversation between the doctor and me went something like this. "Mr. Street, I am afraid you are going to have to stop masturbating"...so I of course asked "Why do I need to stop doc?" and he said "Because I am still trying to examine you

I want you all to know that when I die and NO matter what ultimately kills me my obituary should read as follows: Was found dead; drowned in a pool of alcohol still clutching the bottle she drank.

I've been kicked off my Internet dating site for lying!

Apparently 'local celebrity' can't be used as another term for 'known rapist'

Two scoops of raisins my ass!!! I separated out the raisins and guess what? A scoop and a half. I'm furious!!

How To Cook A Turkey:

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turk the bastey

Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer

Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick

Step 14: Turk the carvey

Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out

My neighbors are outside right now nailing a turkey to a cross yelling "Rise again, Turkey Jesus!" They're new to this country.

I wish the rest of my family would leave so I can go back to downloading Japanese porn.

Well i discovered that it is illegal to turkey hunt with a 12 guage in the frozen food section at the grocery store.

Decided to lay down, unbutton my pants and watch football after my Thanksgiving meal. The manager at Applebee's was not happy.

Did you notice the way your mom kept looking at me the whole time during dinner? ..what ..that was my parents house?

I need to get out of 'Black Friday' mode. I just maced an old woman at the grocery store for a box of Captain Crunch...

Funny Status Updates 11/15/2011

No officer...... It's not "bribery" if that $100 bill was stuck to the back of my license..... finders keepers sorta' thing... uh...hehe.....

Dear street department,

Please come fix the potholes in my road as the bumps are costing me a fortune in beer spillage.

Thank you.

Will cuddle for sex

When I play Rock, Paper, Scissors with someone I like to throw in "surprise roundhouse kick to the esophagus." I'm really good at Rock, Paper, Scissors.

If you ever had a pet duck and it's name wasn't "Quackers" I hate you and I hope you're butt raped by a yeti.

I think I'll enter my ex-gf into the World Record books.

I decided to see how long she could hold her breath under water, so far she's been under for 32 minutes.

I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?”

He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”

You lied....you don't have a Klondike Bar do ya?

Funny Status Updates 11/04/2011

Just once it'd be nice to see a butterfly that didn't fly like such a pussy.

I think I'm getting a cold. Looks like it's time to add some Emergen-C to my vodka tonight.

THIS JUST IN: CHILD ACTOR BUCKWHEAT HAS CONVERTED HIS RELIGION TO ISLAM. HE WILL NOW GO BY THE NAME, "KAREEM OF WHEAT.'' DETAILS AT ELEVEN.

Things girls say that get me off immediately:
1. Don't stop!
2. I'm almost there!
3. Faster!
4. Hi!

You know you’ve had too much to drink when you’re driving through a construction zone yelling at the orange, cone-shaped kids to stop playing in the street.

I just ate a Granny Smith. Wasn't bad, a little bitter for my taste.
But it seemed she really appreciated it.

Just realised that the extra-large screen with the realistic screensaver that I have on the wall in my office is actually a window. Cool.

How was I supposed to know a slow increasing clap was "inappropriate" to start after a eulogy.

My eharmony video bio would be way better if you couldn't hear my wife yelling at me from upstairs.

Dear Women,
We feel your pain. They only love us for our breasts too -- Turkeys

Favorites Of The Day! =D

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker, Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.

I've had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver

My girlfriend told me yesterday, "You only ever hear what you want to hear!" "Thank you," I replied. "I have been working out."

 If a tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie

Switzerland's economy was ranked #1 by the World Economic Forum while the U.S. fell to #5.....I guess those little Swiss army knives must be selling like hotcakes! ツ