Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Funny Status Updates 12/27/2011

I fucking hate double standards... If a girl sleeps with a load of different men, she's a slut. But when a guy does it he's a homosexual?

MmmmMmmm....yummy, Christmas leftovers...... Beer!

I'm not saying you're easy, but when I look up something to do in your town it gives me your address.

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity.

I think my wife is practicing to become a Impressionist. One day I came home and I could hear her in our room doing an impression of our neighbor. Not sure why she chose the phrase "Where should I hide?", but it was good none the less.

On Jan 1st I'll be opening a place called Resolutions. For the first 2 weeks it will be a gym and for the other 50 it will be a bar.

Twisted Monday Thought
Doesn't Oscar from Sesame Street look like a talking bud of weed?

Due to the declining economy and the flooded seashell market, Sally now sells sodomy on a side street in Savannah.

My girlfriend said "let's just do some spooning tonight". Although it sounded kinda' weird to me, I didn't want to disappoint her so I brought a ice cream scooper into bed.....I'll let you know how this played out.

This New Year's Eve, I'm going to frantically masturbate at 11.55pm, and then when I cum at 12 I can pretend that all the cheering and fireworks are for me.

My probation officer just called to see if I wanted to go party with her on New Years Eve.......I smell a trap

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