Saturday, November 26, 2011

Funny Status Updates 11/26/2011

Had my annual check up this past week....conversation between the doctor and me went something like this. "Mr. Street, I am afraid you are going to have to stop masturbating"...so I of course asked "Why do I need to stop doc?" and he said "Because I am still trying to examine you

I want you all to know that when I die and NO matter what ultimately kills me my obituary should read as follows: Was found dead; drowned in a pool of alcohol still clutching the bottle she drank.

I've been kicked off my Internet dating site for lying!
Apparently 'local celebrity' can't be used as another term for 'known rapist'

Two scoops of raisins my ass!!! I separated out the raisins and guess what? A scoop and a half. I'm furious!!

How To Cook A Turkey:
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turk the bastey
Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer
Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 14: Turk the carvey
Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out

My neighbors are outside right now nailing a turkey to a cross yelling "Rise again, Turkey Jesus!" They're new to this country.

I wish the rest of my family would leave so I can go back to downloading Japanese porn.

Well i discovered that it is illegal to turkey hunt with a 12 guage in the frozen food section at the grocery store.

Decided to lay down, unbutton my pants and watch football after my Thanksgiving meal. The manager at Applebee's was not happy.

Did you notice the way your mom kept looking at me the whole time during dinner? ..what ..that was my parents house?

I need to get out of 'Black Friday' mode. I just maced an old woman at the grocery store for a box of Captain Crunch...

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