christmas was best when I used to believe in Santa Clause.. I wanna be 22 again
You are a buzz kill! ~ my girlfriend's response to me when she found out that I stole the batteries out of her vibrator, and put them in my X-BOX controller.
He knows when you are sleeping, He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good… Sounds like Santa’s got a Facebook account.
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.
Rhinos are just fat unicorns.
I turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to 'unstable'
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think 'you dirty bastard'.
The fact that my apartment is clean, laundry is done and I am running ahead of schedule for work this morning says.....I might actually be starting to get this whole "functional alcoholic" thing down.....
I'm only "Pee In The Yard While The Neighbors Can See" drunk right now... I'm aiming for "Get On 'COPS' And Not Have My Face Blurred Because I Was So Fucked Up I Signed The Release" drunk before the night is through.
My wife is seeing a psychiatrist.. and a plumber.. and my neighbor
It was pretty irresponsible to put a little girl in charge of a bunch of sheep. They should have started Little Bo Peep with something easier like a hamster.
eHarmony: Desperately seeking a woman that can open a tube of K-Y with her toes
My friends and I created a new game kind of like punch bug except when we see a smart car we run it off the road, pull the driver out and punch him...
I'm not saying you're a slut, but I think I saw your vagina on groupon.
My boss sends out emails from his desktop computer to our owners about what a valuable employee I am while he is out to lunch.
wow that is the most ridiculous fucked up idea ever, be there in 10 min
I met a girl with a shaved head today. "So does the carpet match the drapes?" I snickered. I was promptly escorted out of the cancer ward by hospital security. :(
The other day, I saw the headline: 'Woman beats off rapist' and I thought... "That seems like a reasonable compromise."
When hanging out with me, we should always drop off a car at the police station before going out so we can drive home in the morning.
Had the weirdest sex dream last night. When I woke up, the cat was at the foot of the bed, purring, nudging a sandwich toward me.
Somebody called me a racist today! I mean I think they did, it's so hard to hear through these white hoods.
I was so drunk last night when I got to the bottom of the stairs I took off my shoes, coat, top, pants and bra slowly as I could. I crept upstairs very quietly, it was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on the f*cking bus!
It's annoying that I don't understand all these Call of Duty or Lord of the Rings jokes.
Then I remember, I've had sex.
When life gives you lemons, make a milkshake. They'll never see it coming.