No officer...... It's not "bribery" if that $100 bill was stuck to the back of my license..... finders keepers sorta' thing... uh...hehe.....
Dear street department,
Please come fix the potholes in my road as the bumps are costing me a fortune in beer spillage.
Will cuddle for sex
When I play Rock, Paper, Scissors with someone I like to throw in "surprise roundhouse kick to the esophagus." I'm really good at Rock, Paper, Scissors.
If you ever had a pet duck and it's name wasn't "Quackers" I hate you and I hope you're butt raped by a yeti.
I think I'll enter my ex-gf into the World Record books.
I decided to see how long she could hold her breath under water, so far she's been under for 32 minutes.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?”
He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
You lied....you don't have a Klondike Bar do ya?