I think I'm getting a cold. Looks like it's time to add some Emergen-C to my vodka tonight.
THIS JUST IN: CHILD ACTOR BUCKWHEAT HAS CONVERTED HIS RELIGION TO ISLAM. HE WILL NOW GO BY THE NAME, "KAREEM OF WHEAT.'' DETAILS AT ELEVEN.
Things girls say that get me off immediately:
1. Don't stop!
2. I'm almost there!
You know you’ve had too much to drink when you’re driving through a construction zone yelling at the orange, cone-shaped kids to stop playing in the street.
I just ate a Granny Smith. Wasn't bad, a little bitter for my taste.
But it seemed she really appreciated it.
Just realised that the extra-large screen with the realistic screensaver that I have on the wall in my office is actually a window. Cool.
How was I supposed to know a slow increasing clap was "inappropriate" to start after a eulogy.
My eharmony video bio would be way better if you couldn't hear my wife yelling at me from upstairs.
We feel your pain. They only love us for our breasts too -- Turkeys