hates it when friends of mine get divorced. It's like they don't even remember my hilarious dance moves at their wedding.
If she was a real "psychic palm reader" she would've asked me to wash my hands first.
My liver is evil and must be drowned with alcohol.
From now on, when someone posts FML, I'll assume they mean "Fermenting My Liver."
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done"
Forget Viagra, I need a pill that makes my wife like me for four hours.
That moment when a question on a test is so hard that even your inner voice is like, "The hell with it, let's just work at McDonalds".
Hey, women who breastfeed in public. What's with you not winking back?
I sat down today and asked for a bowl of Lobster Bisque. They told me, "we don't serve that here". So then I asked for the Vichyssoise. Again, they told me "we don't serve that here". And they call themselves a SOUP KITCHEN!!!
My girlfriend left me because she thinks i'm crazy. I'm beginning to regret all the effort i put into protecting her from the king of the potato people.
A guy broke into my house last week..he didnt take the TV just the remote.Now he drives by and changes the channels...Sick Bastard!
Just found out that you should never compliment a lady on her mustache... no matter how magnificent it is.