Ugh, you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore
Murderer: if you choose me as a victim PLEASE dispose of my laptop after. No one needs to see the f***ed up stuff I search for
feels like I need to buy my liver something expensive and beg it to take me back
SO what? Yes, I met my wife online. Like you've never used eBay
sometimes when I'm drunk I choose the Spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself
Some people deserve to get eggs thrown at them. Brick shaped eggs....Made of brick
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
Yesterday I went to see a shrink about my Facebook addiction, everything was going smoothly and I was on the road to recovery until he said, "What’s on your mind?"
can tell when my kids are faking sickness to get out of going to school because no matter what their complaint is they always walk with a limp
Tip: People return your phone calls faster if you start voicemails with "by the time you hear this I'll be dead"
The judge says I'm a repeat offender, but he always says that
went to a feminist picnic today. It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches.
Son-of-a-bitch! The Chinese food delivery guy just dropped my food all over my hallway, turned & ran away. There's schezuan chicken and hot & sour soup everywhere!! I gotta stop answering the door naked.