Status Updates 6/1/11

• is getting a grip on life… and choking it to death
• I told my girl friend i wish i had magical powers because i think it would impress her.
• Airports are my favorite place to have a fistfight with an old woman.
• says Chuck Norris once flushed a condom.. later the ninja turtles were born.
• is I don't confront people. I was raised right. I talk stuff behind their backs. It's called manners.
• likes girls for their hearts. Their big, bouncy, jiggly hearts.
• is what happens in vegas,stays in vegas..except for herpes
• I'm going to be the first person to walk on the sun... I know what ur thinking an I've got it all figured out... I'm going at night.
• In the eyes of most women, every man is born a Defendant.
• It's 2011, microwaves should have one button that says Cook Sh!t.
• Vegetarians and vegans spend entirely too much time trying to make vegetables taste like meat. You made your choice, now live with it hippie!
• If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy
• is If you're paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None! Ice cream doesn't have bones!!!
• has met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
• used to have super powers but the psychiatrist took them all away.
• says Never Ever Ever Play leap Frog with A Unicorn
• wishes he could throw magic dust on my problems to make them disappear. Like a wizard. Or a crack addict.