Status Updates 5/30/11

• is legally dead for tax purposes.
• Dear Google, They are only using you to get to me! Sincerely, Wikipedia.
• The new gas process. Step 1 enter credit card. Step 2 enter annual salary. Processing... Loan approved, you may now fill your gas tank. Have a nice day.
• Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
• I'm a little disappointed.. I set three boobytraps last night and didn't catch any!
• No one knows the true meaning of desperation until you run over a banana peel in Mario Kart.
• I love Hitchhiker's, they always give Me a Thumbs up Every time I pass by them
• I can't stand it when people won't speak a little louder when I'm trying to eavesdrop on them. You people are selfish.
• What is the appropriate gift to give your woman on your 5th year anniversary..... of the restraining order?
• never get into a fist fight with an ugly person, they have nothing to lose
• All them damn rich people carry around small dogs... When I am rich I'm gonna carry a midget!!!
• is "Why did you just take my Napkin? I wasn't done with MY napkin..I had a special bond with that napkin... Don't give me a new napkin!..I don't know this NAPKIN! This Napkins a damn stranger!
• My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."
• was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.
• When I push the soap dispenser and it's empty I usually pretend it wasn't and wash my hands with the ghost soap that came out.