Monday, May 30, 2011

Status Updates 5/30/11

  • is legally dead for tax purposes.
  • Dear Google, They are only using you to get to me! Sincerely, Wikipedia.
  • The new gas process. Step 1 enter credit card. Step 2 enter annual salary. Processing... Loan approved, you may now fill your gas tank. Have a nice day.
  • Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
  • I'm a little disappointed.. I set three boobytraps last night and didn't catch any!
  • No one knows the true meaning of desperation until you run over a banana peel in Mario Kart.
  • I love Hitchhiker's, they always give Me a Thumbs up Every time I pass by them
  • I can't stand it when people won't speak a little louder when I'm trying to eavesdrop on them. You people are selfish.
  • What is the appropriate gift to give your woman on your 5th year anniversary..... of the restraining order?
  • never get into a fist fight with an ugly person, they have nothing to lose
  • All them damn rich people carry around small dogs... When I am rich I'm gonna carry a midget!!!
  • is "Why did you just take my Napkin? I wasn't done with MY napkin..I had a special bond with that napkin... Don't give me a new napkin!..I don't know this NAPKIN! This Napkins a damn stranger!
  • My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."
  • was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.
  • When I push the soap dispenser and it's empty I usually pretend it wasn't and wash my hands with the ghost soap that came out.

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