Status Updates 5/27/11

• Return policy: “If for any reason you are not satisfied…” Ok, I’m not satisfied because dwarfs and rockets.
• is bringing sexy back… to the store for a refund!
• wonders if dyslexic devil worshipers sell their soul to Santa”
• wishes the voices in his head would quit singing off-key”
• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
• I wouldn't say you're stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it.
• Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don't play their game.
• These things happen, ya know. You go for a walk in the park one day and wheel-chair ninja's and nazi's and pot's and pans robots show up to kill ya, and dinosaurs show up ta eat the remains. You've seen the news.
• Just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged.
• is Been a week since I broke up with my girlfriend.. I need a new sandwich maker already or I'm going to starve to death.
• If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
• says Friends are like potatoes, if you eat them, they will die.