Status Updates 5/25/11

• I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
• It’s 2011 and we’re not driving dragons? The future sickens me.
• I let my wife call the shots on dumb s*** like money & our daughter, but when it comes to pizza toppings I'm "El Presidente."
• IMPORTANT!!! IMPORTANT!!! IMPORTANT!!! MINI WHEATS ARE DELICIOUS!!!
• is bumping uglies with your woman
• Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
• I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
• Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
• is OMG! Only 151 more shopping days until New Rapture
• Gently placing your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shh, not another word" is super romantic... but cops don't seem to think so.
• When someone says “let’s go get a cold one,” I always drive to the zoo because I know that’s code for “steal a penguin.”
• is Today I seen a hitchiker giving me a thumbs up.....I guess he like my Facebook status??
• Today is only my second day as a stay-at-home dad but I'm already confused. Do I get the fake tan or boobs first? And what's a zumba class?
• I keep forgetting the rules. When Jesus doesn’t show up, is that 6 more weeks of winter?
• picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!