Status Updates 5/18/11

• I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
• I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?
• You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
• I have an amazing ability! I find objects just before people lose them. The police, however, call it theft.
• im gonna microwave a spider and let it bite me, superpowers here i come
• I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends
• I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
• s proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
• Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
• I just read a list of ‘the 100 things to do before you die’. I’m pretty surprised ‘yell for help’ wasn’t one of them…
• Don't steal. The government hates competition.
• Thor" is the #1 movie -- proving there's nothing Americans love watching more than an immigrant who's good with a hammer.
• I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
• When's it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin' up and not gettin' arrested.
• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us kids died of tuberculosis.
• is it considered addiction if you need a cup of coffee to fall asleep?
• I just winked at myself in my side view mirror...I must have my game on!?
• Remember that when things look their worst, god never closes a door, without first farting in the room he just locked you in.