Monday, May 16, 2011

Status Updates 5/16/11

  • I don't know why I keep making mistakes if you guys aren't willing to learn from them.
  • If at first I don't succeed, I like to destroy all evidence that I tried
  • wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac
  • Osama Bin Laden – World Champion of Hide and Seek since 2001
  • So, is it too soon to ask Whoopie Goldberg if she’s heard from Patrick Swayze yet?
  • I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because I love fishing…
  • I think animal testing is a terrible idea; what if they get all nervous and give the wrong answers?
  • Cigarettes are just like hamsters - perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.
  • After ten pints of beer, my wife becomes very attractive. I have to tell her that, she’s a violent drunk
  • Don't take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.
  • I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
  • I love you! I love you very much! your the best reflection ever!!
  • No I didnt trip The floor looked like it needed a hug.
  • If you listen closely you can hear the gas pump tell your kid's college fund to go fuck itself.
  • If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don't hit me again officer...
  • If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious.
  • is “beating cancer, and by cancer I means children.
  • wants a meaningful overnight relationship.
  • If a stranger offers you a piece of candy, take two
  • High on life- and glue!
  • Restraining orders are just another way of saying I love you.


Hedy™ said...


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