Status Updates 5/20/11

• Women can be funny sometimes... like when they say stuff like "Let's just be friends" or "Let me go and I won't tell the cops"
• I commit crimes to keep the cops earning a living...
• Relationships are like fat people most of them dont work out
• Rapture Prank: Put small piles of clothes around local churches the morning of 5/22 & record reactions : )
• Zombie squirrels will feast on your nuts.
• I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop.
• I was going to collect homeless people, but they lose a lot of their value as soon as you take them out of their cardboard boxes.....
• is going to make sure he is wearing clean underwear for the rapture.
• Rapture "I'm going out the way I came in, without pants.
• rapture tip : It is perfectly acceptable to scream like a little girl when approached by a gang of zombies. It isn’t helpful, but it is acceptable.
• If the rapture is Saturday...I hope the Lord knows that I was listening to the preacher while colorin'
• hey if tomorrow is the rapture could one of you atheists stop by and feed my dog? Feel free to help yourself to my prescription pills and booze
• is hoping his wife is taken during the rapture.
• Good News!! Rapture cancelled by Chuck Norris. Enjoy the Weekend!!
• Does anyone else have a feeling that Pakistan knows where the Hamburglar is?
• Just told AT&T that I'd make a payment on my cell phone Sunday, so I'm really banking on this rapture sh*t
• Dear God, If the world is going to end on Saturday, please accept my request for forgiveness for what I am about to do on Friday. Sincerely, Your Number One Fan
• The cops came at my house last night and told me my dogs had been chasing someone on a scooter. I told them off. My dogs don't even have a scooter..
• says Mother Nature can be cruel sometimes. If I ever meet her I'm gonna snatch her purse. Old B*tch