Friday, May 20, 2011

Status Updates 5/20/11


  • Women can be funny sometimes... like when they say stuff like "Let's just be friends" or "Let me go and I won't tell the cops"
  • I commit crimes to keep the cops earning a living...
  • Relationships are like fat people most of them dont work out
  • Rapture Prank: Put small piles of clothes around local churches the morning of 5/22 & record reactions : )
  • Zombie squirrels will feast on your nuts.
  • I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop.
  • I was going to collect homeless people, but they lose a lot of their value as soon as you take them out of their cardboard boxes.....
  • is going to make sure he is wearing clean underwear for the rapture.
  • Rapture "I'm going out the way I came in, without pants.
  • rapture tip : It is perfectly acceptable to scream like a little girl when approached by a gang of zombies. It isn’t helpful, but it is acceptable.
  • If the rapture is Saturday...I hope the Lord knows that I was listening to the preacher while colorin'
  • hey if tomorrow is the rapture could one of you atheists stop by and feed my dog? Feel free to help yourself to my prescription pills and booze
  • is hoping his wife is taken during the rapture.
  • Good News!! Rapture cancelled by Chuck Norris. Enjoy the Weekend!!
  • Does anyone else have a feeling that Pakistan knows where the Hamburglar is?
  • Just told AT&T that I'd make a payment on my cell phone Sunday, so I'm really banking on this rapture sh*t
  • Dear God, If the world is going to end on Saturday, please accept my request for forgiveness for what I am about to do on Friday. Sincerely, Your Number One Fan
  • The cops came at my house last night and told me my dogs had been chasing someone on a scooter. I told them off. My dogs don't even have a scooter..
  • says Mother Nature can be cruel sometimes. If I ever meet her I'm gonna snatch her purse. Old B*tch

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