Funny Status Updates 9/15/2011

There's a reason it's called "Girls Gone Wild" and not "Women Gone Wild". When girls go wild, they show their underwear. When women go wild, they kill people

Ugh, you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore

Murderer: if you choose me as a victim PLEASE dispose of my laptop after. No one needs to see the f***ed up stuff I search for

 feels like I need to buy my liver something expensive and beg it to take me back

SO what? Yes, I met my wife online. Like you've never used eBay

sometimes when I'm drunk I choose the Spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself

Some people deserve to get eggs thrown at them. Brick shaped eggs....Made of brick

Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

Yesterday I went to see a shrink about my Facebook addiction, everything was going smoothly and I was on the road to recovery until he said, "What’s on your mind?"

can tell when my kids are faking sickness to get out of going to school because no matter what their complaint is they always walk with a limp

Tip: People return your phone calls faster if you start voicemails with "by the time you hear this I'll be dead"

The judge says I'm a repeat offender, but he always says that

went to a feminist picnic today. It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches.

 Son-of-a-bitch! The Chinese food delivery guy just dropped my food all over my hallway, turned & ran away. There's schezuan chicken and hot & sour soup everywhere!! I gotta stop answering the door naked.

Funny Status Updates 9/12/2011

The problem with rush hour traffic is that by the time I get home I lose my buzz


hates it when friends of mine get divorced. It's like they don't even remember my hilarious dance moves at their wedding.


If she was a real "psychic palm reader" she would've asked me to wash my hands first.


My liver is evil and must be drowned with alcohol.


From now on, when someone posts FML, I'll assume they mean "Fermenting My Liver."


The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done"


Forget Viagra, I need a pill that makes my wife like me for four hours.


That moment when a question on a test is so hard that even your inner voice is like, "The hell with it, let's just work at McDonalds".


Hey, women who breastfeed in public. What's with you not winking back?


I sat down today and asked for a bowl of Lobster Bisque. They told me, "we don't serve that here". So then I asked for the Vichyssoise. Again, they told me "we don't serve that here". And they call themselves a SOUP KITCHEN!!!


My girlfriend left me because she thinks i'm crazy. I'm beginning to regret all the effort i put into protecting her from the king of the potato people.


A guy broke into my house last week..he didnt take the TV just the remote.Now he drives by and changes the channels...Sick Bastard!


Just found out that you should never compliment a lady on her mustache... no matter how magnificent it is.

More money is spent on boob jobs and viagra than on alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no f***ing idea why!


My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.


Two people in every one is a schizophrenic.


‎".: ::. .. :.: :. .:.. :..::. :.:. ..:: :..: ::: ..:. . .: ::. .. :.: :.. .:.. :..::. :.::. ..:: :..: .:. :...:" - Stevie Wonder


I smashed my car into a bus stop full of people last night. I got away with a broken arm. Don't know whose but it's mine now!


I find those "No shirt, no shoes, no service" signs very misleading because they never say anything about having to wear pants. Apparently, I was wrong... now gotta go to court on Thursday...


I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.
It's definitely time for a new keyboard. :)


NASCAR in Kentucky, I have not seen this many rednecks fired up about something since RedMan started using resealable pouches.


When I see someone driving the same car I’m driving, I always peer in to make sure it’s not me from another dimension.


Please copy and paste this as your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone that may know someone who knows anyone. If you don’t know anyone, or even if you’ve heard of anyone who doesn’t know anyone that doesn’t know someone, then still copy this. It’s important to spread the message. Oh, and the hearts. ♥ ♥ ♥ For crap’s sake, don’t forget the hearts. ♥ ♥ ♥


PLEASE - put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn't know, they can also breathe fire. 93% of people won't copy & paste this, because they have already been eaten by dragons. 6% of people are sitting in the shower armed with fire extinguishers and the remaining 1% are awesome and will repost this


Got a Rolex for my birthday from a couple of lesbians I know. Guess they misunderstood me when I told them "I wanna watch".


I seen someone's status on Facebook, they said they were suicidal and on the edge..So I poked them...


People say that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late!

Status Updates 6/8/11

• Has anyone come across any data that determines whether or not adopted highways have any abandonment issues later on in life?
• You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one damn night!"
• I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters.
• says i'm gonna yank it like a monkey in a Mango tree.
• is Damit.... I woke up with a pulse. I supose this means I should get dressed now....
• says have you seen the new Hippie doll? wind it up and it doesn't work.
• Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
• is On-Star has made it so much more difficult for me to take my time when I'm robbing accident victims.
• feel like standing across the street facing a nursing home in a grim reaper costume and waving at all the old people I see...
• is I wasn't masturbating, I was cleaning it and it just went off!
• when everything seems overwhelming, I just reassure myself that I will die someday....
• is kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now.
• i got sacked from the salvation army soup kitchen today,ungratful bastards.All i said was hurry up 4fucks sake!!some of us have homes 2 go 2.
• I don't drink water.....FISH have sex in it!!

Status Updates 6/6/11

• is Dear 6, Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you guys do some pretty nasty things. Sincerely, 7.
• If I had a nickel for every time someone said I'm bad at math, I'd have 47 cents.
• I'm not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you're thinking.
• My mom says you are what you eat. That's funny, because I haven't eaten any sexy beasts recently.
• I'm so hungry I could eat the A$$ end out of a rag doll.
• "Rape" is such an ugly term ... I prefer to call it Struggle Snuggles.
• Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I'm facing sexual harassment charges.
• i am in no shape to exercise
• is Jesus is just a guy who mows my lawn
• says 1 in 3 americans suffer from constapation. Do not be ashamed. Chances are you or someone you love is constapated. Stand proud and join the fight against constapation. You are not alone ..
• Next time you sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven’t picked one out yet!"
• It takes a big man to cry, it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man
• Keith Stone may be smooth, but we're all in consensus that he's a pedophile, right?
• This is going to sound like a generalization, but all people who drive white pickup trucks are rapists.
• Thinking of stalking my stalker just to shake things up a bit.
• "My Life is based on a True Story."
• "I'm confused...wait...maybe I'm not."

Status Updates 6/4/11

• I had a pigeon on steroids poop on me today. Good times.
• Muffins are just ugly cupcakes...
• we all know unicorns exist because google doesn't lie
• thinks its OK to beat up an old lady, if its at Costco, or if she really had it coming
• Sarah from Land Before Time is obviously a lesbian.
• I would seriously knife fight my own mother to go to Hogwarts.....
• has super aids and is gonna die sometime soon
• PLEASE - put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn't know, they can also breathe fire. 93% of people won't copy & paste this, because they have already been eaten by dragons. 6% of people are sitting in the shower armed with fire extinguishers and the remaining 1% are awesome and will repost this
• FACT: A cat will blink when struck in the head with a hammer
• You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools
• Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late.

Status Updates 6/1/11

• is getting a grip on life… and choking it to death
• I told my girl friend i wish i had magical powers because i think it would impress her.
• Airports are my favorite place to have a fistfight with an old woman.
• says Chuck Norris once flushed a condom.. later the ninja turtles were born.
• is I don't confront people. I was raised right. I talk stuff behind their backs. It's called manners.
• likes girls for their hearts. Their big, bouncy, jiggly hearts.
• is what happens in vegas,stays in vegas..except for herpes
• I'm going to be the first person to walk on the sun... I know what ur thinking an I've got it all figured out... I'm going at night.
• In the eyes of most women, every man is born a Defendant.
• It's 2011, microwaves should have one button that says Cook Sh!t.
• Vegetarians and vegans spend entirely too much time trying to make vegetables taste like meat. You made your choice, now live with it hippie!
• If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy
• is If you're paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None! Ice cream doesn't have bones!!!
• has met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
• used to have super powers but the psychiatrist took them all away.
• says Never Ever Ever Play leap Frog with A Unicorn
• wishes he could throw magic dust on my problems to make them disappear. Like a wizard. Or a crack addict.